My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me – 10 Reasons!

Marriage is often depicted as a union of love, trust, and mutual respect.

However, for some individuals, it can become a battleground where blame and conflicts are commonplace. 

Being blamed for something you haven’t done or constantly finding yourself embroiled in arguments initiated by your spouse can be emotionally draining and damaging to the relationship

This article delves into the most common query of almost all couples: my husband starts fights and then blames me.

We’ll explore the reasons behind such behavior, address common questions, and offer guidance on navigating this challenging situation.

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me – The Reasons

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

Understanding why your husband may engage in such behavior is essential for addressing the underlying issues in your married life. 

Here are ten common reasons behind this troubling dynamic.

Read Also: My Husband Turns Everything Around On Me

1. Deep-seated Insecurities

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

Individuals harboring deep-seated insecurities often struggle with feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection. 

To protect themselves from these uncomfortable emotions, they may shift blame onto their spouse to deflect attention away from their own vulnerabilities. 

By projecting their insecurities onto their partner, they create a false sense of superiority or control, albeit at the expense of their relationship’s harmony. 

Consequently, every disagreement or conflict becomes an opportunity to reaffirm their sense of worth, even if it means unfairly blaming their spouse for issues beyond their control.

However, addressing deep-seated insecurities requires introspection and vulnerability, qualities that may be challenging for individuals accustomed to using blame as a defense mechanism. 

2. Control And Manipulation

In some cases, partners who start fights and shift blame do so to exert control and manipulation within the relationship. 

By instigating conflicts and manipulating their spouse’s reactions, they seek to maintain dominance and power dynamics in their favor. 

This behavior can manifest in various forms, from subtle manipulation tactics to overt emotional coercion, all aimed at keeping their partner on the defensive and compliant with their wishes. 

Ultimately, the goal is to control the narrative of the relationship, ensuring that their needs and desires take precedence over their partner’s autonomy and well-being.

Breaking free from the cycle of control and manipulation often requires recognizing the unhealthy dynamics at play and setting firm boundaries. 

Partners may need to assert their independence, challenge manipulative behaviors, and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals. 

3. Lack of Emotional Regulation

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

Individuals who struggle with regulating their emotions may be easily overwhelmed in stressful situations, leading to impulsive and reactive behavior. 

This inability to manage their feelings effectively can result in escalating conflicts, where they may lash out at their partner and shift blame to deflect their discomfort. 

Without the necessary coping mechanisms in place, they may resort to blaming others as a misguided attempt to regain a sense of control over their emotions. 

Addressing this issue requires self-awareness and learning healthier ways to manage stress and regulate emotions, such as mindfulness techniques or therapy.

4. Communication Issues

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, yet some individuals struggle to express themselves clearly and empathetically. 

Miscommunications and misunderstandings can quickly escalate into conflicts, especially if one partner feels unheard or invalidated. 

In such cases, rather than addressing the root cause of the issue, they may resort to blame-shifting as a way of deflecting responsibility for their communication shortcomings. 

Improving communication skills through active listening, validation, and assertive expression can help partners navigate disagreements more effectively and reduce the likelihood of resorting to blame.

5. Unresolved Past Trauma

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

Past experiences of trauma or abuse can leave lasting scars that impact how individuals perceive themselves and others. 

Those who have endured trauma may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as blaming others for their pain, as a way of regaining a sense of control over their lives. 

However, without addressing the underlying trauma and seeking healing, these patterns of behavior can persist and negatively affect their relationships. 

Healing from past trauma requires patience, compassion, and professional support to process and integrate painful experiences, ultimately allowing individuals to cultivate healthier relationship dynamics.

6. Projection of Personal Failings

In some cases, individuals may project their insecurities and shortcomings onto their partner, seeing in them reflections of their own perceived inadequacies. 

This projection allows them to distance themselves from their failings, instead attributing them to their partner’s supposed deficiencies. 

By shifting blame onto their spouse, they temporarily alleviate their guilt or shame, albeit at the expense of their relationship’s well-being. 

Overcoming this pattern of behavior involves cultivating self-awareness and taking responsibility for one’s actions rather than projecting them onto others.

7. Need For Power And Dominance

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

For some individuals, maintaining power and dominance within the relationship is paramount, even if it comes at the cost of their partner’s emotional well-being. 

They may instigate conflicts and shift blame to assert control and reinforce their perceived superiority.

This need for dominance often stems from deep-seated insecurities or a desire to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. 

Breaking free from this cycle requires challenging the underlying beliefs that fuel the need for power and dominance and fostering mutual respect and equality within the relationship.

8. Avoidance of Personal Responsibility

Taking responsibility for one’s actions requires honesty, accountability, and humility—qualities that may be lacking in individuals who habitually shift blame onto others. 

Rather than confronting their mistakes and shortcomings, they may deflect responsibility onto their partner to avoid discomfort or consequences. 

However, avoiding personal responsibility only perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction within the relationship, eroding trust and intimacy over time. 

Overcoming this behavior necessitates confronting one’s shortcomings, apologising when necessary, and actively working towards positive change.

9. Inability To Handle Conflict Constructively

My Husband Starts Fights And Then Blames Me

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but for some individuals, it can trigger intense feelings of anxiety or insecurity. 

Rather than confronting these uncomfortable emotions head-on, they may resort to starting fights and shifting blame to avoid conflict altogether. 

This avoidance strategy only exacerbates tensions and erodes trust within the relationship. 

Learning to handle conflict constructively involves developing healthy communication skills, managing emotions effectively, and seeking compromise rather than resorting to blame.

10. Cycle of Abuse

In the most severe cases, a pattern of starting fights and shifting blame can be indicative of an abusive dynamic within the relationship. 

Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, verbal, and psychological manipulation, all of which serve to exert control and dominance over the victim. 

Breaking free from this cycle of abuse requires recognising the signs of abuse, seeking support from trusted individuals or organizations, and creating a safety plan to protect oneself and any dependents. 

It’s crucial to remember that abuse is never acceptable, and seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step towards reclaiming autonomy and rebuilding a life free from fear and manipulation.

Read Also: The Worst Thing A Husband Can Say To His Wife

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

How can I distinguish between normal marital disagreements and a pattern of blame and fights?

Look for recurring patterns of behavior, such as your spouse consistently instigating conflicts and refusing to take responsibility for their actions.

Is couple’s therapy effective in addressing this issue?

Couple therapy can be beneficial in addressing underlying issues and improving communication skills, but it requires willingness and commitment from both partners.

What are some strategies for setting boundaries with a spouse who constantly shifts blame?

Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations, seek support from friends or a therapist, and be prepared to enforce consequences if necessary.

Can this behavior be changed, or is it a sign of irreparable damage to the relationship?

With dedication, openness to change, and professional guidance, both partners can work through these issues and rebuild a healthier relationship. However, it may require significant effort and time.


That was all about the topic: my husband starts fights and then blames me. Living with a spouse who initiates fights and then blames you can be emotionally exhausting and detrimental to the relationship. 

However, it’s essential to recognize that this behavior does not reflect your worth or actions. 

By understanding the underlying reasons, seeking support, and setting boundaries, it’s possible to address this dynamic and work towards a healthier, more respectful partnership. 

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where communication is constructive, conflicts are resolved respectfully, and blame is not used as a weapon. 

With patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, it’s possible to navigate this challenging situation and emerge more potent as a couple.

Emily J
Emily J.
+ posts

Emily J. is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a deep commitment to helping couples cultivate love and harmony in their relationships. She offers insightful advice and strategies for building a strong and resilient marriage in the Blissful Marriage section.

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